Gratitude and Attention

"If the only prayer you say in your entire life is 'thank you' that would
suffice."
- Meister Eckhart

Your eyes are still closed when you hear the beeping of your digital alarm
clock on the small wooden table next to your bed. Without opening your eyes,
your arm naturally reaches over to press the black "snooze alarm" button --
a motion you repeat just about every morning. But this morning nothing
happens. The beeping continues -- and is getting a bit irritating. So now
you open your eyes and watch your index finger press hard on the correct
button. More beeping. You hit another switch which should just turn the
alarm off completely. Still more beeping. In a fit of frustration you
finally pull out the cord from the electrical outlet. Ahh . . . quiet at
last. Perhaps it's time for a new clock.

A few minutes later you find yourself about to conclude your bathroom
routine when . . . the toilet won't flush. "I'm really starting off the day
in great shape," you think. You get dressed and start the coffeemaker to
give you a bit of a jolt, but when you come back to the kitchen hot water
and coffee grounds are all over the table. Now you're beginning to think
that this is a bad dream and you must still be in bed. But it's not over.
You open the door to grab the morning paper and quickly check the news
before leaving for work but . . . no paper! You look to the left, to the
right. Did someone take your paper? Did they forget to deliver it? No time
to speculate further. Got to get to work. As you drive down the highway to
work, you're thinking about how rough the morning has been when suddenly . .
. the person driving in the next lane changes lanes, cutting you off and
almost running you off the road. When you arrive at work your heart is still
racing. You take every opportunity to share your "extraordinary" morning
with your colleagues. What a relief it will be when this day is over!

If you've ever had a day when everything seems to go wrong, you can probably
sympathize with the subject of the story above. It appears understandable
that he or she would feel frustrated and perhaps have a sense that the world
is a pretty unfriendly place.

To begin to understand the relationship between attention and gratitude we
need to turn the story around. Imagine a day when:

- the alarm works perfectly,
- the toilet flushes just the way it's supposed to,
- the coffeemaker produces a hot, aromatic cup of coffee,
- your morning paper is waiting outside your door,
- no other car crashes into you or cuts you off on the way to work.

Now what happens? Do you arrive at work feeling overwhelmed with gratitude,
with an attitude of appreciation for all the people and things that are
supporting you on this glorious morning?

Probably not.

Most likely your attention has identified and attached itself to some other
problems. If there's no particular problem going on that morning, your mind
may ruminate about something that happened in the past or anticipate some
difficulty that may occur in the future. It is common for our attention to
focus on the problems and difficulties we are facing because we have to pay
attention to such challenges in order to handle them. Unfortunately we can
develop a "habit of attention" in which we fail to notice the many things
that are supporting our existence: our health, our work, our family, and our
efforts to accomplish the things we want to do. The more this "habit of
attention" has developed, the less likely we will be able to experience
gratitude.

I first made the connection between Gratitude and Attention when I
discovered a Japanese method of self-reflection called Naikan (Nye-kon, like
the name of the camera). The word Naikan means "inside looking" or "inside
observation." This method of self-reflection is primarily based on three
questions:

1. What have I received from others?
2. What have I given to others?
3. What troubles and difficulties have I caused others?

As you can see, these questions are very simple. When I participated in a
14-day retreat in Japan in 1989, these questions became the framework for me to reflect on my entire life. I reflected on each stage of my life and on
every person who had played a meaningful role in my life since my birth (my
mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, friends, colleagues, ex-girlfriends, etc.)
When I stepped back from my life and began quietly reflecting on everything
that had been done for me and given to me (question #1), I was surprised and
overwhelmed by how much I had received in my life. The day I left that
retreat I felt more cared for, loved and supported than ever before. It was
as if I had a blood transfusion and gratitude was now simply flowing through
my veins and arteries. I had learned to notice what I had not been
noticing. Through self-reflection I had learned about attention and
gratitude.

That two-week retreat inspired me to return to Japan again and again to
experience and investigate, in more depth, the Japanese art and practice of
self-reflection. I have yet to discover a more profound method for
cultivating gratitude and reshaping our attitude and understanding of our
lives.

Let's consider three of the greatest obstacles to gratitude. They are:

1. Self-preoccupation
We are so preoccupied with our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and bodies
that we have little attention left over to notice what is being done to
support us.

2. Expectation
When I turn the switch on my bedside lamp I assume the light will go on as
it (almost) always does. Once I've come to expect something, I don't usually
consider it as a gift. My attention isn't really grabbed until my
expectation isn't met (the light bulb doesn't work).

3. Entitlement
As long as I think I'm entitled to something, I won't consider it a gift and
therefore I'm unlikely to feel grateful. When I get something and I don't
think I'm entitled to it, I'm more likely to see it as a gift and feel
gratitude.

To experience a sense of heartfelt gratitude we must overcome these three
obstacles. Self-reflection provides a path for doing so. It allows us to
pause to appreciate what is being given to us rather than focus on what we
don't have. It allows us to consider the countless objects and human beings
that made it possible for me to get to work or turn on my computer. Through
self-reflection, we can come to see everything we have, and are, as gifts.
And through self-reflection we begin to train our attention to notice what
we haven't noticed.

* * * * * * *

It is rare to meet a person whose life is full of gratitude. Many people
don't truly appreciate what they have until it is gone. And having lost the
opportunity to be grateful, they simply find another reason to be
disappointed.

So your exercise this week is to practice self-reflection on a daily basis
using the three questions from the Naikan method I described above.

EXERCISE
Daily Self-Reflection

Each evening this week before bedtime, spend 20-25 minutes engaging in daily
self reflection. Reflect on the following 3 questions by making three
written lists:

1. What have I received today from others?
2. What have I given today to others?
3. What troubles and difficulties have I caused others?

Please be specific and concrete. Don't simply list things like, "My wife was
helpful" or "my friend was supportive." Specifically, what was done for you
that was helpful or supportive? Your list can include objects as well as
people. For example, "My car got me to work and home safely." Or, "my shoes
cushioned my feet as I walked around today." List as much as you can, even
if it seems small or trivial. These are the exact type of gifts and services
we are most likely to take for granted.