Feelings

I'm big on feeling feelings. I am an advocate of knowing what one feels. I'll get behind just about anyone who wants to know more about what they feel. Why? Because without feelings I couldn't tell if I was alive or dead. For years, I saw myself as this masculine lone wolf, capable of surviving anything all by myself. I have been working hard to regain awareness of my emotional self. I am now reasonably sensitive to my feelings and for the most part I honor them.

Sometimes I still drop the ball. I don't like feeling "hurt". Because I have trouble welcoming feeling hurt. I don't notice it as quickly as the rest of my emotions. I deny it. I stuff it. I hide it from myself. I get angry with myself for allowing myself to feel and be open to feeling hurt. Last night, I was hurt and angry at myself more than my friend. And I was angry at my friend for admonishing and attacking me on what I had worked hard on in front of the group.

Then, this morning, sitting quietly as I do every morning, I meditated. I wasn't angry with my friend any longer, but I felt unfinished. Something in me was bugging me, wanting recognition. I had been angry with myself for seemingly falling short and failing.

Here's part of what I have learned. I have a judgment against feeling hurt. It is unmanly to admit feeling hurt. Feeling hurt means I am not using the lessons I've studied over the years as tools to take care of myself. So, I feel ashamed of myself as a failure. Feeling hurt and saying so makes me vulnerable to further hurt. I could go on and on, but you get my drift. I admit that I just don't like that damn feeling.

What this means is that as long as I hang on to my judgment against the feeling I will continue to fall victim to it. If I want to grow up, truly be a spiritual being, I have to come to terms with accepting feeling hurt with more warmth. I have to embrace it with love and see the gift in the moment. If I deny hurt feelings, and I do at times, I shut off the flow of all other feelings and I like a lot of them. Since they all rise from the same place within me, if I put the cork in the jug, so to speak, nothing moves. I feel no appreciation, no joy, no warmth, no tenderness, and no heart presence at all. I don't like being without heart presence because I feel the same way when I saw myself as a lone wolf. I feel dead inside and untouchable. That is a very lonely place to be inside of me. I can understand why being shunned is considered the ultimate punishment of one person by another. When I'm untouchable I have effectively shunned myself out of contact with anyone outside myself. The feeling sucks.

So, the task at hand for me is to look openly at my judgment against feeling hurt and its relatives. You know, feeling ignored, unheard, dismissed, or otherwise out of touch with other people.

What's the core of the lesson I'm learning? That when I feel hurt I am far better off to announce it and immediately see if that's what is intended by the other person, rather than to deny the feeling and end up getting angst with friends. I still have work to do on angst with myself.

A teacher told me four things were necessary to make a relationship work between people. Remember, these are my brothers and sisters in the spiritual sense.

One: a willingness to be vulnerable.

Two: a willingness to give up control.

Three: a willingness to feel hurt, again.

Four: a willingness to hurt someone else, again.

I no longer see myself as a lone wolf capable of surviving anything all by myself. I like being in relationships with other human beings. There's nourishment in them. Some kind of sustenance. And, I am unwilling to continue to disrupt them unnecessarily all due to my unwillingness to feel hurt and say it aloud. I may screw up again, but I'm willing to bet it won't take near as long for me to make a correction next time. It's time for me to learn it is innocent to say, "Ouch!"